Bye bye baby! We love you!

After just 5 posts, my baby is no longer. Ya Allah, give me the strength please!!! For you are All-Knowing and YOU will only give me challenges that I can handle.. This sadness in my heart just comes like small waves in the sea... It hurts so much to know that I no longer have my baby's heart beating but surprisngly I am containing this sadness pretty well. I know myself and I should be bawling right now but I'm not. I guess I know Allah swt ahs bigger plans for me and I ave my reasons too.

Lets' just rewind the happeings for a while..

22 August 2009, Sat - Went to Poly coz the vaginal bleeding is fast becoming a concern. Dr Meena wrote referral letter to KK. Met with Dr Ben Choey who intoduced us to baby for the fisrt time. We saw his heartbeating. His proposed due date: 18 April 2009 as he was just 6 weeks old then. Dr Ben jabbed me on the tigh and gave hormone pills. Bleeding should subside in a matter of days.
Appointment to meet Dr Ben again on 3rd September.

26 August 2009, Wed - Took a cab alone to KK. Bleeding hasn't stopped. There's more blood. Hubby came to meet at KK from work. Saw Dr Edwin Thia who was a heartless idiot. He prodded the metal clamp and just looked at the monitor screen w/o even muttering anything. He then explained at the table, with snapshot of the scans he had taken, of how my water bag has collapsed and he can no longer see my baby's heartbeat.

YA ALLAH!!!!!


I couldn't think. It felt so real but at the smae time I thought I was looking at myself from outside of me. I dunno how to say this but it was too much of sadness I could bear. I was to be warded for them to do a minor op to "wash" my insides at 12.15am.

I can't be sure when exactly you were taken from us but you gave your dad and I hope that no one else could ever instill in us. You made ur mama and abah so over-the-moon happy however brief that moment you stayed with us. We love you and we know you're definitely at a better place.

The experience at the operating theatre was definately scary but after all the crying, I just wanted to get it over witH. Alhamdulillah the op went well w/o me feeling even the faintest of pain. I slept through it all. I woke up feeling like my old-self again. I didn't feel empty but I sure can sense the loneliness.. especially when I think of how my baby's heart is no longer beating inside, I'm living for my own now. Like the days before... :(


And now 28 Aug 2009, Fri - Mak has arranged for Kak Rozi to urut. It stings a bit when I'm having my post-natal massage when I'm not really at 'post-natal' stage. Usually when you are wearing your bengkong and have pilis all over your forehead, you'll also have your newborn beside you but I don't.

God knows among all athers and HE knows my struggles. Honestly though, I feel I've disappointed ma ayang coz he has been tking care of my every whims. Tolerating my tempers and complains. Besides his family situation, he has take care of me in all other areas, I'm so sad that he is sad but he's not showing it.

Life goes on.. From Him we come and to HIM we shall return. Bye baby. Thank you, baby.

It's near maghrib now, time utk buka puasa nak dekat..

Thought I'd jot down my thoughts while everyone else is at the kitchen..

Sorry baby, what i'm about to express has nothing against you, AT ALL. Being here inhibits me to do a lot of things I want to do.
Why? Because this is not my home and already I feel like I'm intruding by doing nothing! Given the choice, I want to leave! I dun want to stay here, Ya Allah!

I'm bleeding again. More or the same as yesterday I can't be sure but the bleeding sure hasn't lessened.
Came back from Woodlands Bazaar to get food for buka and all that time, I felt wet below. Everytime I see the blood, it makes me so scared I'm going to lose baby but with this kind of environment...................I'm starting to think that that's not such a bad thing.

I'm so sad writing this. Just thinking about losing baby aches my heart to no end.. How hubby and everyone else is going to be so disappointed. They will say it's ok but I know...

I'm not going to have my own home till a couple years later. The people in this house are either, fakes, spineless, super loud pricks or two-faced injustice persons. How can I subject my baby to be among these ppl during the precious early years. Ya Allah!!!!! Help me Ya Allah! Help this servant who is in dire need of YOUR mercy for the sake of her child you are to give her...

Preggie Experience Number.1

Journey to being a mummy has already begun, in a scary fashion I must add. This brings me to the realisation that I am not as strong as I thought I was... Went to the office toilet after attending the ultimately boring staff dialogue, only to find blood on my pantyliner. Ya Allah! I AUTOMATICALLY broke down in tears. THAT'S my first reaction! To cry! I was so scared, think i shivered while holding my pantyliner. scared I might lose my baby!!! Ya Allah! I dun wanna go through that again. I know that it's impossible for me to ask that, coz being pregnant is like a roller coaster ride that ends only when the baby pops out. I read too many books to already know this. What i take from what has happened is Insya Allah better prepared and more focused that what happens is part and parcel of being a preggie.

Finally went to KK hospital yesterday after the very kind Dr Meena from Isun poly (think she lives in Pasir Ris. hahaha!) wrote a referral letter to A&E KK women's clinic. I wanted to kiss the Dr for asking hubbs whether he's intending to send my to KK in a cab. If he didn't think of the idea before, the Dr shoved the idea to him and pushed aside the very tiring discussion of taking bus/mrt there. Cab. dat settles it. The Dr said to do so. hahaa!! no two way about it. :) Dr meena shared with me how her first pregnancy she bled so much, her doctors told her to give up. ???!!! Now, she has a healthy 4 year old daughter. I appreciated that moment. It helped a bit i guess although I was still sobbing quite bad. :)

While at KK waiting for my no to be called, there was a china girl who had severe? abdominal pains she had to be helped to walk. Ouch! Anoter preggie came and I overheard her telling the nurse she's due anyday soon but notice her blood is different colour??? dat one is a classic!!! scary but calssic all the same! what colour should it alwayys be? dark maroonish red? and now? maroonish red, not so dark? or worse still, blue??? hahaha.. yah.. think it's a good idea for me just head down to KK clinic whenever paranoia hits me. It's an open window to make me clm down with al the weird stuffs happening to other preggies. evil eh. whatever works.

Dr Ben Choey is much much better than that Dr Karolyn from Raffles Clinic. Dun wanna focus on the negative person lah. Dr Ben is so gentle, he reassures me. Initail impression was he's too young to look under my skirt lah. but young drs has their upsides too. Can talk to him like friend. He informed baby is just 6 weeks old as of 22August2009. Due date for baby is 18April2010. :D Insya Allah. Told the doc that's just 2 days after my birthday and he jokingly said he can make the delivery earlier if we want. hahaha.. so funny. punchline: i actually believed him lah at first! wah! you can do that? HAHAHA..

He gve us scans of baby's pic and Dr Ben called hubby to the checking area to look at the monitor. That was a moment is hall keep forever!!! My hubby, the father, is the 1st person to see our baby's heartbeat. Another moment was when Dr told me to hole my breath for 10 seconds to really ideufy my baby's heartbeat is his. Dat was so special to me...beyond words. Ya Allah! Lindungilah kandunganku dari bahaya. Jadikanlah kandunganku in hamba yang soleh sepertimana yang telah ditunjukkan oleh RasulMU. Jadikanlah ia hambaMU yang suka beribadah, yng kuat iman dan suka musahabah dirinya. Cukupkanlah sifatnya, zahir dan batin. AMIN!!!!!!


I've got to bed rest till 1st sep. dat's like 10 days rest. mummy journey continues. Insya Allah!!!!

the morning note to baby.

Ya Allah! Aku bersyukur kepadaMU!!


I can't sleep. it's 4.04am now. I am going to be a mummy, Insya Allah this mummy-journey I'm going to embark on will be smooth-sailing for both my child and I. I am going to be a mummy.. :)


The urne stick clearly showed POSITIVE this time. Tested at 3am just now when hubby returned home from his 4pm work shift.
Laugh a lot.Smile often. Dat's the motto for my life here forth. Be happy for my child for my child to be happy.


I'm going to love you as much as I possibly can love anyone. I'm going to make mummy-mistakes, I'm gonna make you mad with mummy-decisions, you will feel misunderstood. All these and more will surely happen. Bu one thing you must know that has happened as of this very moment and will continue to happen for as long as I'm your mum, I love you. I will do my utmost best to protect you and provide for you. To give you the best childhood any child deserves and and be proud of you come what may.


Your dad and I can't wait to see you.

It's official. We're pregnant.

We made the announcement today! Actually ayang did, I was just there ready to capture the priceless moments painted on abah's and Oya's faces on camera. It was so cool! I felt to happy but had to contain the feeling as we were in public! Had birtday lunch for nephew Aiman at Swensen's T2. Oya made us wear either red or white since Aiman's birthday had to fall on 8th Aug - my least favourite day. Never will I attempt to wear the red/white costume agan - unless if it's for MY OWN children..

Talking about children, the announcement has made it official. I wanna tell everyone and anyone that I'm pregnant and will have my very own bby in my arms to carry.

Ya Allah, You've made this servant very happy. I'm eternally grateful. Syukur. Syukur Ahamdulillah.

*ned to upload the priceless moments pics soon* :)

Eve to the Announcement Day

I can't wait for ma ayang to make the announcement to the family tomorrow! I'm extremely excited, it's beyond words really. I just feel I'll officially join the land of the mothers after the anouncement's made! Ya Allah!!!! I'm just so happy!!! the pleasant shock on the family's faces! The pride on mo yong's face! Ya Allah. Precious one, you're making mummy really happy now.. Keep that up! :))))))

But FIRST, I will have to buy the urine stick later this evening. Discreetly though.. HAHAA!! I know, I know... I ACTUALLY need to test positive before ANY announcements can be made!! hahaha.. but I'm keeping the faith babe!

Smiles all around! BIG GRINS!!!

The last time I wrote anything was a month ago. So many things happened. But the last entry I've posted was so sad and full of anger.. I cannot believe how angry I sound. Typically Aishah... A dramatist in her own right. But I stand corrected when I expressed such feelings as they are my own but I surprise even myself how I managed to calm and cope with the situation. it must have been a very sad and lonely day that was.. I dun think anyone has a right to take pity on me (taking pity on someone is such a useless gesture to me... i'd rather you help me then take pity one me..) except for me.. I felt so kesian for myself for having to go through that patch.. But I thank God for HE was with me that day wen no one else was..


The love for my partner in life is growing every day.. Alhamdulillah... He's my rock. He has doen so much for me to make me feel comfortable staying here, making me happy and taking such a load off my back.. he's just wonderful. I love my husband.

I 'm oping to make him smile al the time. I may be pregnant! Ya Allah... Please provide me the life when you know I'm ready..
After all the urine sticks, this time it showed a line and ANOTHER line but it was a really faint line. a faint maybe is better than a loud negaive any day man.. S to my unborn, it's really quite a ride to have you. We cannot wait for you to join us. I'll do my best to take care of you but i think your dad's gonna do a better job than mama is in that taking-cae dept. haha!