Big Black Book

I shared with my husband the other day a lil' bit of my childhood. How I used to wonder if there is a big, black book that EVERYbody knows about....except ME! :( I imagined this book is supposed to be a manual of somesort on life. How to tackle sibling rivalry, how to deal with pretentious pricks, how to be patient when faced with injustice, how to just "let go"...EVERYone seems to know the existance of this book coz as far as I can see, only I am having difficulty to grapple with the difficulties of this life - everyone else is able to "take it easy", albeit the sufferings.

I realised just how self-absorbed I must be for saying something like that. I know there are many, many others who are facing much worse calamities in their lives...And only God knows what they must be feeling.. I'm talking about losing your loved ones, extreme poverty that the only option available to lighten the pitiful situation is to sell one of your kidneys (I watched TABOO yesterday nite), a blind kid waiting for the bus early yesterday morning and I actually heard him say "shit" below his breath just as his mum(?) left him at the interchange alone. The kid was embarassed. He was embarrased of his inablity to see! Ya Allah! The kid didn't ask to be blind...And yet he feels embarrassed of what ppl might think of him.. To think he feels that every moment of his life! My heart goes out to them. Really. MAy Allah protect us and lessen our suffering in this world and in the hereafter. Amin.

I just got a call from Abah's hp. It's MAK! - the person I have done the most sins to.
Ya Allah!!!!! :(
OK.i'm officially an anal pain in the ass. She has listed (most) of my shortcomings and flaws over the fon and it's not a short phonecall.
I am my own stress. I tire my own self by being anal about all things. I am someone who is hard to get along with. I think I'm perfect and I want nothing less than perfect things. I am not one who has the "tolak ansur" attitude. My own parents have to check whether they can afford to ask me out. I am a control-freak and will bitch if tthings don't turn out the way I want it to. I am overloaded with ego. I control my husband. I am the barrier btwn him and all others. I say no and cannot most times. I am calculative - be it cents or deeds. I am this way since pre marriage and still am this way post marriage. My dad thinks the same of me!

Things have got to change. I'll change, insya Allah.
From this very second, I will

1) Let loose my husband. He shall mingle with anyone and everyone. He can do whatever he says he can do, although my intention is to protect him cause I know how exhausted he must be feeling. If he say can, that means CAN. While I need to learn to let go, HE needs to learn how to say no.

2) Be nicER to family. Both my families. To discuss (with neutral tone) any dissatisfaction or concerns I must be feeling.

3) Be generous to family. Although we're in a financial mess, I cannot be calculative to own family.

4) I am not perfect. Will set aside each day (after solah maghrib) to self-reflect and admit MY flaws.


5) Do not recall past mistakes. As abah simply put it, "don't repeat lah" I understood what he meant.

6) Take a deep breath and dun take things too personal. Stop being anal about every single thing.

7) Continue praying and keep asking God Almighty for assistance in dealing with everyday struggles. I CANNOT DO W/O ALLAH swt.

I have a lot to work on. We'll keep to this list for now. I will lengthen the list once I'm confident of my current state. Insya Allah. Amin.

Syukur Alhamdulillah. Thanks be to God for HE has answered my prayers......once again. :D