Bye bye baby! We love you!
After just 5 posts, my baby is no longer. Ya Allah, give me the strength please!!! For you are All-Knowing and YOU will only give me challenges that I can handle.. This sadness in my heart just comes like small waves in the sea... It hurts so much to know that I no longer have my baby's heart beating but surprisngly I am containing this sadness pretty well. I know myself and I should be bawling right now but I'm not. I guess I know Allah swt ahs bigger plans for me and I ave my reasons too.
Lets' just rewind the happeings for a while..
22 August 2009, Sat - Went to Poly coz the vaginal bleeding is fast becoming a concern. Dr Meena wrote referral letter to KK. Met with Dr Ben Choey who intoduced us to baby for the fisrt time. We saw his heartbeating. His proposed due date: 18 April 2009 as he was just 6 weeks old then. Dr Ben jabbed me on the tigh and gave hormone pills. Bleeding should subside in a matter of days.
Appointment to meet Dr Ben again on 3rd September.
26 August 2009, Wed - Took a cab alone to KK. Bleeding hasn't stopped. There's more blood. Hubby came to meet at KK from work. Saw Dr Edwin Thia who was a heartless idiot. He prodded the metal clamp and just looked at the monitor screen w/o even muttering anything. He then explained at the table, with snapshot of the scans he had taken, of how my water bag has collapsed and he can no longer see my baby's heartbeat.
YA ALLAH!!!!!
I couldn't think. It felt so real but at the smae time I thought I was looking at myself from outside of me. I dunno how to say this but it was too much of sadness I could bear. I was to be warded for them to do a minor op to "wash" my insides at 12.15am.
I can't be sure when exactly you were taken from us but you gave your dad and I hope that no one else could ever instill in us. You made ur mama and abah so over-the-moon happy however brief that moment you stayed with us. We love you and we know you're definitely at a better place.
The experience at the operating theatre was definately scary but after all the crying, I just wanted to get it over witH. Alhamdulillah the op went well w/o me feeling even the faintest of pain. I slept through it all. I woke up feeling like my old-self again. I didn't feel empty but I sure can sense the loneliness.. especially when I think of how my baby's heart is no longer beating inside, I'm living for my own now. Like the days before... :(
And now 28 Aug 2009, Fri - Mak has arranged for Kak Rozi to urut. It stings a bit when I'm having my post-natal massage when I'm not really at 'post-natal' stage. Usually when you are wearing your bengkong and have pilis all over your forehead, you'll also have your newborn beside you but I don't.
God knows among all athers and HE knows my struggles. Honestly though, I feel I've disappointed ma ayang coz he has been tking care of my every whims. Tolerating my tempers and complains. Besides his family situation, he has take care of me in all other areas, I'm so sad that he is sad but he's not showing it.
Life goes on.. From Him we come and to HIM we shall return. Bye baby. Thank you, baby.
Lets' just rewind the happeings for a while..
22 August 2009, Sat - Went to Poly coz the vaginal bleeding is fast becoming a concern. Dr Meena wrote referral letter to KK. Met with Dr Ben Choey who intoduced us to baby for the fisrt time. We saw his heartbeating. His proposed due date: 18 April 2009 as he was just 6 weeks old then. Dr Ben jabbed me on the tigh and gave hormone pills. Bleeding should subside in a matter of days.
Appointment to meet Dr Ben again on 3rd September.
26 August 2009, Wed - Took a cab alone to KK. Bleeding hasn't stopped. There's more blood. Hubby came to meet at KK from work. Saw Dr Edwin Thia who was a heartless idiot. He prodded the metal clamp and just looked at the monitor screen w/o even muttering anything. He then explained at the table, with snapshot of the scans he had taken, of how my water bag has collapsed and he can no longer see my baby's heartbeat.
YA ALLAH!!!!!
I couldn't think. It felt so real but at the smae time I thought I was looking at myself from outside of me. I dunno how to say this but it was too much of sadness I could bear. I was to be warded for them to do a minor op to "wash" my insides at 12.15am.
I can't be sure when exactly you were taken from us but you gave your dad and I hope that no one else could ever instill in us. You made ur mama and abah so over-the-moon happy however brief that moment you stayed with us. We love you and we know you're definitely at a better place.
The experience at the operating theatre was definately scary but after all the crying, I just wanted to get it over witH. Alhamdulillah the op went well w/o me feeling even the faintest of pain. I slept through it all. I woke up feeling like my old-self again. I didn't feel empty but I sure can sense the loneliness.. especially when I think of how my baby's heart is no longer beating inside, I'm living for my own now. Like the days before... :(
And now 28 Aug 2009, Fri - Mak has arranged for Kak Rozi to urut. It stings a bit when I'm having my post-natal massage when I'm not really at 'post-natal' stage. Usually when you are wearing your bengkong and have pilis all over your forehead, you'll also have your newborn beside you but I don't.
God knows among all athers and HE knows my struggles. Honestly though, I feel I've disappointed ma ayang coz he has been tking care of my every whims. Tolerating my tempers and complains. Besides his family situation, he has take care of me in all other areas, I'm so sad that he is sad but he's not showing it.
Life goes on.. From Him we come and to HIM we shall return. Bye baby. Thank you, baby.
posted by Sssshhh....Shah at
8/28/2009 09:17:00 PM
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